post in the name of the past

too bad for your eyes, i had a long night out in a bar i feel like i was born into. you see the past never truly leaves me. je suis condamnee. pour l'eternite. live in the now. no tomorrows might be easy . secure i know it'll be on time . but today and the day before i had homeworks. and it's just the begining of a dive through my sad still if it felt like love, sad goes pretty fucking beautiful in scars and ribbons. i present you a tiny little bit of my past ....

i spended all night handwriting on real paper, god it is only sexier... so that's why ... your eyes gets only to spy into my past ...

(believe in fiction, apparently it hurt less)

Morning,it is so true that i don't need to force myself,i have more beautiful writing in the morning when jonathan plays this song ...( like a serenade)
Morning ... Today is the day that i dream of you , but mostly i should dream of things more probable like Bleoo coming to my door , at the most unexpected time. Bruised neck i killed that men if there is one in between us, what more can i do .i hurt him down. to our perfect graves, where i want us to stay . when maybe one day we will meet again, And i might be alone . ..
and people will tell you a world needs to be that way, but love that man, hold him close..

Would you dare to stand more then true to me . because i am stronger then a dead man, stronger then the drugs i use .ephemere. wrong .i might end up clear without the image of your self... my dear beloved (nov.2005) . again you have fail to remember .

And you'd rather leave me like almost Sad. in a white porcelain bathtub, no essences of the perfect smells you adore, only blank water shell , like egg dead and ashes of cigarettes floathing on top of filthy waters . Stain my self ... dream myself ...
it's close to a deadly x-mas, love to my mother who died on the 20 th of december i am going to get my true love, her name is always Lucy ( 4 pawsand eyelashes like you have never seen)....... Marijo st-amour


( this is fragments of letters before i went to t-dot for some-boy ! )
Now january ... snow .. what day ? lucy , no her name was lucie , it is my mother's birthday . maybe, maybe that's why i woke up a little raging, you havn't check your message yet, it's o.k. i'm holding steady, i breathe in i breathe out i had the usual head aches. they are obvious when you are trying to go sober. no alcohol, no powder nothing , for real. it's like travelling, but for the first time of my life in Montreal
city .... where home, where life is , friends , family , all . but love . might be in another city , hours away from here . love , love , love and this time it is not a girl no more.
Gatorade 2 bottles later for headaches ! ( lisa's precious advice for a better life )
i reserved the camera at le GIV , i felt on fire now i am dealing with a freazing ass !
But lucy is watching for me , i am almost nervous waiting for you to call my name , once again , over the freakin' computer ...call.... O romeo where are thou i have fallen for someone and for the first time ever , he is the one that have spied on me, get me , i am apparently the woman in BLUE . water i want to breath you inside of me


(letters others )

So yes yes morning dew , Awake at 8 a.m. my turns , last night a start up ending for my film, i am back at Sala rossa, centro social espanol. .
i am finally out of the maps, out of the reach... Margo with no cell phone , going down the hill ... if you know me you would think this is strange .
Nobody try that hard anymore , to keep on loving you . after you even said the love it was dead... but my dear let me . be .... because i have proven you so wrong , a little funny story i say ... but it made people cry .. funnny and enough to make me cry ... then i smiles.

o.k. apparently i am on the counter clock all you have to do is ring the bells . i think i'm just floathing anyway in between seasons.

Act . 1 called serenade ... a peice , like a melody performed to the beloved by the lover . i wish i could play guitar and sing and touch you even . but i have Bleoo . he is gonna play . bleoo tells me i make unconfortable music , angoissante musique . i have actually found the perfect rif . .. its a spiderweb , the way i dreamt of my hands playing all over your body ...

St-valentine's day .... what a day , i wasn't born to be poor and a total soberland. hell .. running and loosing some precious time. running after lazy dealer and weak pusher looking like hardcore, my ass . one spend a week in my pants and you'll probably move back to your mother's house.sadly serious . R.C must have walked in the door ... O lord .. at least she's loyal and happy on a day of love ... no hate ....i'm there alive and on my way getting warmer . the bathtub . mon corps esseulee repose dans le bain, circus girl all day at school , fucking concordia . i wanna be every teacher she sees , i want to perform incest in such an angelical way, altough i am all at learning. she says no words . but i hear all of her inside.

of course she is late, but times have change and our good habits of careless woman are starting to fade on each others... she is taking a cab . i want (her) to be there ... gimme more then a reason to love y. soft control. i want you to call my name at any strange hours . . days or nights.just say my name . and give me hell of a reason to stay awake . alone i am moving in all the directions. patience , i miss the only show i truly wanted to see , it's o.k. diving together.




today in july .. the best letters i have ever written were for (you) , she left me after showing me what could love have truly been .. in words, in the way we were ..


alone , i will walk straight through the nights .

therefore , one day i might see you , pray.

like the altar-boy . my name is to be re-define.

i will wander in the streets, drinking red wine and cigarettes , write.

there is no more beautiful loser . only me . (thinking of you ) . jami y



NOW

possible conversation ; and what about tomorrows, that girl stting right next to you, looks like she needs an explosion of sparkles, the way shooting stars blows in your stomach, when it rises after midnight.especially when i go out and ride this fucking city . you don't know me . and SHE left, gone with the wind maybe that's why i feel like the whole winter was pretty dry. .. dry dry dry like my mouth . a bout de souffle . assoiffee.. but i want more then that , i want the white snowflakes that usually powder myself...


dear p, dear you, you have forgotten '' how am i supposed to spell the words , emotions are complete.blury. not because i have stopped the feelings, feelings are created, no matter how fast they grow. it doesn't mean we have the rights to lie to them. it's so hard for me to know anything. the worst is time, days after days after days without a sign. nothing not even the sounds of your voice.. i am not crazy enough to hunt you down to school. but i am soon to blow, cuz i can't take it. how can i . every details , notes, words, music, even the cat's whispers are signals of you .and everyone saw you. but i see. in the shadow of your eyes. happy or sad there was always something more. showing . perceptions of your name all over my lips. words . yes. yu are reading. epic not because i tried to convince myself. i was quick enough to create another drama. by whispering my love all over your body .

again, cold. what could i possibly say . anything goes. .. you see some people have addictions. they invented n.a. a.a . and tra lalalalalala. another form of addictions. a social joint for people unstable to face their old reality . i think it's totally o.k. who i am to judge ! no one. but see 1st of it all, i did most research on my addictions then most people will never do. and i realize i wasn't truly ready to get rid of them all, some of them. but not all of them. addictions, passions...obsessions...lack of control. but also control, balance. i do know i am playing with fire and maybe burning the candle by both extremities . but hey ! i'd rather burn indeed then to live in total dark.

cigarettes burning. still 24 yrs old. at least i do believe i wanna live up to a quarter of century.. after that , we'll see .

lately, i have been crying more then a lot. i blow my emotions on fire. new years in sparkles didn't help. substances unclear, limousine. dollars i gain , and vain !!
Surrounded by the sound saxophone. i play guitar. more then i've ever did. once again i am about to go see the ocean. by myself. i wanted her to take me . but she had fears .. '' i can't make it on my own'' you were the lights on. more then a bed time story. proof. i slept barely. . lay in water . don't even bother about the soap.listen to opera. ashes... floating in green spoiled water. no one will keep the curtains close. i might make it on my own, i am still strong . wonder why . and courage. and vampire. blood and tears.only for the sugar addict. i refuse to dry out. even when the cold gets me empty.
here in my bath i see t.v. with another black suspicious cat, always looking at me.dare. so long. bleoo is probably waiting for me. . i am tender flesh. bluest.i have the sexiest bathroom ever. and again the water is burning. i don't even pay my bills.

morning oct 25 th ... day off , i will get to see people later ... '' i envy the wind '' that song drives me crazy ... it's in memory of all the inner pain i felt for a fucking long time, it's winter in fall. it's a snowstorm in my heart in the middle of july . it's cold in remembrance of how warm we were . it's more then that . it's me who will always love you



now .. right now. thursday oct.26 th 3;41 am ...

i could never live without music...

'no instrumental break' ''i will always love you'' the cure performed by tori amos

but apparently i can live without you ....

i will always love you ............................... ( refuse to die )

i will keep on breathing. without you. remember my tattoo. breathe under water.

and all this time i tought spring would melt the ice so i go down in the ocean black