bloody sunday...dark days

sunday is the day off. i get paid on saturday, i am a big spender. my act; stupid. result; nroken body and broken wallet. guilt; almost not; just feel stupid. it will go away if i eat good , re-work the money i spend and move on, but i am way too aware to be a think-not kind of addict, i use to consume my life at a fair cheap price, now i do it less often but i went in the high prices. result; no good, i need to leave, for a week, i need good stuff to happen to me in this city i started to make appearance in , Toronto. people say it's not that great over there, it's not as good as montreal but the people, people my style aree better to me. i always fall in love, then come back dreaming, but coming back to where you left and changes no means nothing after a while, i need to get traumatize, more, my heart wants to be shaken. m.o.r.e. my appartment is already getting better , Sam is now here, she just got here, builded her room, faster then me, it was motivation so i put a damn curtain as a wall to my bedroom, we definitely need a kitchen table. my aunt was making fun of me when she asked if i had gotten one, i said no like i am wondering what could be the use of it , but she says my roomates are probably a little more in need of something usefull like a table to eat on. make sense. god today is a day i would love to be at my grandma's, eating potatoes and overcooked meat even. but instead i am home and i have to decided at some point between an onion or an egg, but no bread, no oil, no sweet fucking nothing. i shall just pretend i am doing a cure, i have old chinesse's finest tea, i probably could last longer then i think on that. and grow better. it feels so cold right now, but i keep the door by my computer open cuz i smoked so much all night and i truly don't want my roomate to run away suffocating, it's a dark day, i will stay low profile, real low. she 9 sam) is already getting so much phone calls , it makes me realize i have lived like a total writing hermite since july, no one has my phone, except Didi, but she wouldn't need it anyway, she knows exactly where i live, strange i havn't seen her lately.

i don't say it enough like i feel like i have no rights but i miss pike so much, lately i have been sending e-mails to everyone i know in Toronto, no answer, brescia, Greyden, Pike.. so maybe i am going there to see Adrian, it's a far ride just for a beer and scotch, but i can't stay here, it would be wrong. so wrong . driving me nuts to the core.
the colors outside are dark but it would be perfect fr film, it's not completely grey, it has kept the colors of fall with no sun, soon there is gonna be no light. no light. i am ridiculous with the internet, i can't watch movie so i go on friendster and check people's profile, you actually get to learn more with people's profile then random strangers you see on the streets or into bars.

i went to see the day , i got my true love back, my baby Lucy ... the sexiest german -sheppard ever ... . it sucks about the rain , because whe could have gone out longer, but i hope she don't mind..the closeness inside... i talk about my dog like i talk about a lover.. she is ... ..
enough words for right now ,,, i feel like a 8 yrs old girl writing in her blue covered journal...