truth is i have to be scared....

letter to myself, the immortal junkie have changed.... in a good flakie way... i remember in the past it took me a whole lotta nights druged on by anything, i went through insane phase my whole life... times where white nights in a row, ith school, work, frends and somekind of family on top of it ... then i moved to Montreal, discovered i could play adult ( smile ) and get smashed in my appartment incognito... i have had the worst reputation, no wonder how i had to keep it quiet .. once i o.d. on heroin, it was my second life time, and two days later the whole community arround me had putted a junky signs on top of my head... they start to worry when they hear about your death, that sometimes how it goes.. but i get to usually worry before i even tell people...3 years ago i use to be a rock addict , to the core... i could write for days on how hell i have lived, but i ain't give a shit about dpressing my self with hell of a good melo-dramatico segment of my life ... the past is over ... but never forgotten ... you are most vulnerable if ever you see it , sometimes i do understand these people that quit drugs and quit every single things or people related to it ... i won't , will never , it's a big part of my life , and for most of it i have no regrets.. except this one..... this one hell i tasted for so long , ell why , sour taste, because you are empty , if a drug takes my hands away from writing or my words away from talking non-sense, then this drug is obviously not good for me .... point ... the money is an issue .. i am punishing myself the good way by sticking to my original plan to go to Toronto even with no money , a lesson .. it might indeed be good , to relearn i can , use to survive .. way better then my own little lazy self .. i work my ass all week to burn in smoke he fruits of my fucking labor , that's bullshit .. that's dishonesty, unloyalty, un-AWARyness to my own self.. and i need no one to tell me whether it's good or bad or fine if i don't do it again ... i am the ONe to feel here .. no mater how many stereotype there is , i try my best to fight against them , and i ned no one to pull that shit on me ..

so tonight , early night cuz i got to be a good boy , and go to bed.. ( but my hands move too fast ) i left my home alone to go pick up a bit of money somewhere , not actually for food , but probably for some good old scotc-whyskey in toronto.... but finally i decided to let go ... cry baby cry , they say it's good for you.. i had to tell someone of my sin and i did chose the god someone, because she ain't no fucking NA, no she is this charming woman i know, a pirate and a grande dame, the kind of friend that tells you it's o.k. to be a fuck up, t do fuk top, and to redeem o fuck me up !!! we talked of th epast , th enow, and this NEED of tomorrows... i know i need them , but to need them is also to be aware of them... aware, joyously,drunkenly,divinely aware ( the aim of life is to live .. henry miller )

and i am not aware when i miss the food and water my body and brain need for a living, it pays a whole fuckalot to have them , so indeed they request respect an dcare ... c.a.r.e. .. it's the word of today ..
and i am at this fragment of my life where i need care , cuz agai i like to blame it all on my mid-20's crisis, but i need to be carfull about tomorrows, and good sweet morrow i will smell the coffee in less then 9 hours away from now i choose to awaken for a journey i have been dreaming off for a whil,, and yesmy body will be tired becaus eit havn't slept at all last night ... but there will always be time to rest , and right now i am feeling my head aches a little still, but my soul as taken a rest for tnight ... i could put weights of all th ebad and th eugly onto my shoulders, but my aunt always told me i put to much anyway for nothing , i don't have too... tonight i will listen to her before listening to my past or future.. or n.o.w. .. i willl only listen to her faded voice in my memory , try to imagine even what could my mother have possibly told me when i was a kid so i go to bed a little early ...

sweet dream shawnda, sweet dream faby , and hopefully l met you mother along the nights to come, if i feel in the ocean red ...