ma vie , c'est elle qui m'a choisie.

through the last night

2;21 am ... of course i am still awake. and oh awaiting for you to knock, knockin on my door.
my mind is alive somehow, my body will try it's best to survive for the next 10 crucial hours. 10 hours to pack some differences for 4 loads of my life , 3 to stay here in different space, and a one last one to escape with ourself in your mama's car.. in style. my tresor from the past hidding here and the real butin from my new supercherie so close to the metal i carry. hopefully we'll manage to bring the usual with us. i could have brought less. but i truly don't know what'll happen to me . will i stay in the anglo citar or will i come back to my montreastar after our cowboy ride in all of kanada. probably in french territory i will be back. only if my tricks and evilry goes well . as much as i am ready in life to cope for my sins, as much as i like to be free in the lands i adore. i give myself t'll i hit another year of my birth, if by then i am not a jailkid then i will have proof in the stars that my prays of avant-garde ceremonial sinematic stand-up dramaturgy ... !!! have been holy heard ! no seriously i have just been going through my mid-twenties crisis since last summer, it was time for me to thank thy fall back in an eternal chilish cavalerie. the only things that difference me from the kids out there is that i am succeptible enough to be locked in crazy yards. with fences high electrified me.
but if that ever happen then i'll spit in enough karma to stay i , peace and write endlessly on the muses that have endure me.
i now , sometimes can't stop myself thinking about johnny's ink n' body saying to thy.

es una vita. je souffle mes reves en boucaner en attente , later, je les deposserai sur les vagues de silver o for you . mi amore . la mare.
my name is the one you ear them say . i live forwards the day.

patience

o mi angel. have mercy on my hours of sleep .
what was i thinking, after a long long day out and about , i went back to my home, i tried to ran against my lung , to be back where it's warm, to be back in time not to miss your voice one last time before i feel everything , new again, but not the same, it's crazy to grow up even in the distance ,i remember this lady who told me we communicate with the missing ones the way we talk on the phone, but the words are always blury , but you speak clear to me , but we are hungry. for more then just words.
hard to believe when you think of myobsession with words, because i use to be able of everyhing in the writing i did, but to act on my desire , was another story not well written ago. but i could not truly explain that story . one day i will.. and i'll live , for now , the way some will see throug glass. i broke mine.
i am alone , but i can't feel alone right now,i should be doing all the responsible things i have to do before i leave , piratery of my little superchery in this city .
i tought for real i was going where no one knows about the old me. not that i want to become somebody else, but i want to change , enough to feel it in my body. but o o funny apparently i am already known. and again by people assuming something they don't even understand. i'll have to leave with my o so precious words; the innocent , they can all kiss my ass. sideways 'what the fuck shall i do , care really , nope, i am busy with caring when will i next be able to sit on the grass without freezing . when will it feel goood to be onmy future balcony smoking an dwhyskey , withourt 8 layers thick . maybe sooner cuz it almost feel like i'm going souther. in a city not as good as montreal. but still i'll manage fast enough to find her credit. she actualy have credits enough for me to run there like a thief , well i am a thief in here . in this city i find love , i want to give some too. there is better milkshakes then here, and more water to look at, look with...
so finito living with absent roomate at her first flat, tryingto understand that papier cul is not something that only comes with santa claus . and my new soon to meet roomate. an older woman then me, that spell herself in an 'ezzzz goin''' .. and i'm sure ez-goin is mor efor me then hysterical student or party kids. ha ah ha , party kids, why don't i call myself one, cuz these days are party kids pretty often the ones to get wired on chemicals and pill popping , and if ever i try to follow them in there journey to psychedelik something ! well i'm doomed because i'll consume 5 times more then they do and still look like i have ha the sweetest coffee in themorning , and the more and more i go , on and on , i know for sure i like quite better the way i feel when i've slept sober and get to sip my espresso without any muscle feeling like the dreams have been violent enough to remember .

so o.k . i will not start on my anatomy analysis of the drugs i know. i care not , one day i just want to completely stop. and get stone on coffee . and ice cream.

2;51, i am looking a little at the window in case i would see you . if the time treats my dreams so right you should walk the door in less then 10 minutes, but it could be longer , that's o.k . it is o.k. to wait some more, if i remember how it felt for a week to craze your eyes , your hands, your self. while talking on the freaking phone, your voice sometimes changing in this way , when i only wanna hold you . but i felt li ethrwing the pillows by my window, and listening loud to Palace brothers. but i kept the pillows, there good pillows. writing here now is the only way to spare time. i fel a tiny little disapointed in me , i wanted to be so awake , and ready to run stable with you , but when the night should have ended last night i got awake and cleanes the way my father use to do when he was worried thinking too much . so it's clean but i slept only , barely 3 hours, wich makes me a little lot lazy. but it's o.k. just tell me it's o.k. i feel o.k. .
i am waiting for you to make more coffee, you might even bring some cream, i have honey . it's driving me crazy goo di have such thin walls all i hear the door every 5 seconds, wrong door, the only good doors are the ones you open.
i cannot believe i can stil sing noir desir after all the smokes i had, wine , scotch and name it. my hands refuse to stop typing until i see you . . i want nothing else.
not now. later maybe we;ll need food, and maybe sleep.
i feel so calm, wel the way i somehow am nervous but don't even realize it .
so calm but now i see , soon i'll feel how soon i am leaving , all the work i have to do, all the people i love, i want to see them , to keep the alive in my mind, some of my fried si know already it has notbeen the last time i'll see the in a while , but i miss them already , when i walk on vanhorne on my way to Tom, alteha y company i feel so much home, in the streets i don't really go out to coffee shop, whne i do i step out to fast in the cold that it becomes pointless. o.k. so you should be there but the subway is slow, maybe your driver felt like timmy every 30 minutes.

i want stop the writing , i could say anything , everything , change subject and talk about it all, my life or the life i saw down the street when i saw this older men loking so alone waiting for the bus to take him home ,but even home ! home is in the souvenirs he kept in the far stop , there in teh back of his heart . one is nowhere else but in you . home is in the peole you see , the people that loves you , when their eyes are reflective mirrors of who yo are .

to be continued

softly crushen songs for you .

my silver love will turn steel. still. you know steal.. le metal de mon coeur n'est certe pas douleur , aucune douleur. no pain . some could say O what for a change . but no one shall dare to awaken the snakes when slowly you helped me and i hope i helped you too. remember this way we found , to put the snakes asleeps. so nothing will rattle me down to the ground , the cutting ground where i sometimes knew exactly where to put my knee. who doesn't. but i did .. for es una vita . but so now . somehow recently we fell together in a new year o seven lifes of a cat but i wanna keep more then that for all the seconds, years or infinite whispers you'll let me be by your side. and i have gone to spy tonight on your words . in a lively part of the web.. and i am a spider , a sweet sweet spider the way my hands travels your skin. the way i wish i could play you serenade in a five string slides down .. rythm . my hands a spiderweb . but i keep my eyes open for you. five . days in awaits . then i'll ring the bells to the real pictures just to let them know we are about to fuck off.. leave .. in the space we created.. and from a ship we cuddle and look at you mice .. and feed you cheeze .. no one is gonna get trap .. there will be life .. no death . no doubt ..


( i am ) Losing the star without a sky
Losing the reasons why ( there is no reasons why .. so be it )
Youre losing the calling that youve been faking,
but i will show you my eyes where there are no lies
And Im not kidding, we are playing .
playing the way childrens do . and it's kinda true.

Its damned if you dont and its damned if you do
Be true cause theyll lock you up in a sad sad zoo, aouuuuuuuu !!
like we fear to let go and go crow,crave, show me claws
i'll show you tender, i cry like a dog sometimes
and we still always move like feline .
alone i am an alley cat . and you are a lion.
Oh hidy hidy hidy what cha tryin to prove
By hidy hidy hiding youre worth an ocean rain.(no chains )

Sew your fortunes on a string
And hold them up to light
Blue smoke will take
A very violent flight
And you will be changed
( i want to change. what i can. not what i've been, nor who i am , but what i'll be )
Sand everything, i will say everything
sand in flesh and grains all through my vein, i will show myself true
And you know we sometimes sound like a very very happy zoo.

I once was lost but now Im found aware
and asleep, and awake I see you ( want to )
How selfish of us to believe in the meaning of all the sweet and luscious dreaming .

(selfish no more..no sin.and even with
i still believe we'll be stolen away by the angels of light )


silver toungue youre not hiding
Metal heart you are worth everything
and you have turned my toungue liquid so fast , melting down even when i lay awake in the distance . i still feel the heat, the colors, the feeling is blue.
Metal heart i never want you to be hiding
Metal heart how did you become my most precious ring. they tought that i was not worth a thing . but now i can look forwards the day .. and the rings in circling deep beneath my eyes, are in love and they sharpened every day .

note to the random reader .. imagine the circle in 8 infinite .. you always tough circles could never cut through the days , or rock if that matters , well .. idiot .. i have just showed you how circles are blades created by metal heart ..
our love is sharp...

tonight ... i havnt written here in a long long time . o my hands please forgive me .. for spending your time on adds and post and rooms and AHHHHHHHH ! don't care right now.. i have just finally done what i tought i had to do 8 months ago .. but no .. NOW .. is the time . it'll be over soon .. not for ever . never forever i'm thinking montreal i will miss you . and maybe some will miss me. but you were home in a way i can't deny . . and who knows maybe my ocean blue will bring back waves towards you sooner then you tought , waves. in the streets where i know by the railway where to find my ship-o-full of pirates, and crazy kids we are grown-ups animals... le cirque de ma vie.. est ici... but for now .. i will play spy . the smokey clown will play it almost serious , no kidding , walk walk in another city .. and like a mime.movements on the side of the street, i will spy with a lovely smile. ( machiavelique but no one can ever tell ) to the man down there . and i will try not to forget ......alll .. you and you ..
and you .. who once have told me ; ''je n'ai pas a gagner ma vie, je l'ai''
''je n'ai pas a gagner ma vie, je l'ai''
''je n'ai pas a gagner ma vie, je l'ai''

ah ah ah ah ah ah ah i DO love it when i laugh inside in perfect silences while the nights go away ... closer to the day you will be here to laugh aussi.
3;o7 oh oh oh i have not forgotten how to write ..all... takes times.. beautiful times but al i wanna do is spin forwards the arrows on the clock... faster .. but no .. PASSION NEED PATIENCE ...
oh

now.

all i do is miss you .
and smoke cigarettes..

it can be rainy but i see you beauty in the spaces between clouds we shall rest our space together . warmer.

warm when what we all were to expect .. for a begining of january . not
plus de nuages gris, still a`softly dizzy but as always so clearly. nuage enboucannes
. je fume et oui je m'en bas les couilles. autant plus que jamais, mes poumons effrenes sauront en temps et lieu me chuchoter a l'oreille what shall i do . in times will come, i will be the one and only one to acknowledge my route en vue de guerir et transformer mon corps... ..en temps et lieu . what i like and in any situation , the storms can fall on us , i want to take care of you , and me , and my friends, and my family , and my lovers. but there is a difference in between taking care of a loved one and thinking from out of the blue you can walk into my reality, then learned well how to whispers in praise and rhythms to an audiance, to your private eyes maybe you think you see, but do you remember my scars in beautiful shades of black and blue , tattoo. all over my skin, i wonder my sins they are mine , i cherish them sometimes, also i want on some other day to cut the head of certain persona in me ,the addictive thief of my own creativity you will be burried in times, i'll drop roses of black red you deserve no satin, you were always the taste of venin on my silver toungue, no rust . i am sharp and clever .. and cut through the nights.. i live forwards the days. and mi amore. no see . i put my words on screen, no falses exposes, i would throw my dreams on 16;9 the essence of sinema,
i want to stay , but i have my heart screaming margooooooooooooooo . you were suppose to be shooting some scenes, images, movie , el spectacolo.. you . were the one to tell me there is only a true circus rolling coaster for me in my dear o so beloved city .. montreal j ete reviendrai on time ... lease forgive me .. willyou not miss me .. i forgot to plunge my stuck up .. counter silvery .. sink.. cloggg .. bloque. la tuyauteries m'appelle, une nouvelle carriere . maybe i should come back to become a plumber .. .. miss dragomir told me they make a lot of money .. and i want cash in!!!
to keep on enlightned my home.. someone told me about the book call the ethical slut
but for tonight i am an ethical thief. robin wood.. warm in the bed of the king of delaware streets......