highway.

Dear what will appear somewhere in that book.. to know I have just tried to create a film , a video , a dance in dual I dreamt and even found a true beauty. A beautiful friend who attracts my eyes and the stranger’s mouth wishing her sensation as a model. But we worked instead in a chaos I know enough that it becomes sweet tasks in the end. To the day we were trying to finish for a while this session of trying to recreate a dance only lovers in . love . could accomplish . and then I saw you , since I never do, it’s always a shock and quite close to the ridicule we met in a supermarket.
Trying to talk of all the more casual subjects possible, art , sober land , creation , life . but my heart was the one going crazy , in a perfectly shaky way, shy doesn’t even qualify. I call it with no hesitation passion. And like my oldest friend once said back when we were side by side shortly , too short for me not to be haunted forever by truth . truth in every way I feel, in the days so many I tried to tell myself you were dead, maybe that would have painful but forever gone this feeling , this dream I cannot cure how much I want to live along with you, I want to meet your heart once again. before I die, or I will die and that I only can write so because I know the feel of eternity. This feeling you taste when you get close by death, or when the dead and ghosts appear in the day so clear , when no one knows but you do. .. my feelings are nothing obsessive, it is never gonna be obsession that will push me to love you and feed in the distance this love for you . it’s called . faith . ‘’ love and faith endures the world passes away . ‘’





I’m in the middle lost of Brooklyn , early June 2008 . I met you more then almost 3 years ago. And even tough I wrote like a motherfucker all my life . this book will , not have to be by common sense of honouring what I truly care for. Passion.
Love . I write this word pretty easily you use to tell me so when I first met you . it’s o.k. but now no one could ever tell me the same. And it would have been different to meet you a week ago. The hopeless ideal , lie or NOT . it’s never gonna be a matter , the past becomes a memory some let go, by mistake, by indifference, by lie is the worst , no even worst is what you called denial . but I struggle with some kind of inner balance , how to let truth grow out of a story without ever loosing the signals only heart beats tell you so, I think my hands right now for a while, and I realize it’s been like that since I started to write, I could have easily wrote about Brooklyn, about the gangs in all around us, all night out sitting on their sidewalk, playing the only music in repeat so loud it makes me dream of silence for once. Really . and my friend Helen who told me the ‘ repas du jour, special today for fucking everybody is LO MEIN, morning cold from last night who cares, so far it was suppose to be 2 to 4 weeks, and after one I dream of so many things Montreal offers me so easily, and chocolate soymilk, and more. Even the chocolate bar I eat like an addict , a real one, are better in my country then everywhere else in the world.


It kills sometimes I know I have this reputation to be insane , o play me the violin, I talk a lot, lately I realize when I'm drowned into old minded scene of truly friendly stories, I find myself calm and peaceful with myself, with you, even with my own enemy or the friends that needs me no more, or the ones I get sick of, I feel comfortable even in my hometown that insane fact .
It’s all these statements and fragments coming that makes me realize just now, as I write, and more important as I remember . the girls who forever captured my heart . I could never pretend she has became only my truest friend, you know the kind of friend that stay, she goes away but when I ‘m with her nothing exist that we couldn’t do or go through .. started all by whispers of you written under my skin .


Ok. June somewhere June . 9th they say . basement perfect landscape of bricks and walls and carpets and t.v. and I am happy to smoke . really . some people need money . I do too. But for now I have all I need. Some people crave sex, i play pilgrim my way. Everything is perfect like it is. Far from the city . far from any worries. Is there a price to pay . it’s not a price , it’s a different kind of loneliness. Lucy my fairy lover full of fur is always by my side, even when I go to the washroom, she stand right by me , true love . and there is family , it feels quite strange still alright the calm inside, the wanting to be there, getting closer. Missing parties back in Montreal, it doesn’t matter no more. I’d rather write to myself then await from any conversation that would come over the internet.

Later. Still sitting like a home boy, so easy finally to do what I please to do. My cousin here reminding me how much I miss fishing and out work physical, it's right there for me . i touched it.
last night i laid like a stoner in heavy foamed deep water. i drank scotch and smoked still in boiling water. listening to Charlie parker.. why would i run anywhere else for now. i am wide awake. aware and time to kill professional hit-man.

amerika.

i bought a pint of milk covered with the american flag, lovely . not. i have been craving Montreal's chocolate soy milk. although their ice cream is cheap and lovely. i won't stay forever, for the first time of my life i feel like i could stay more with my family. in between Montreal and there. but here i would need to start something new, my wandering have not pushed me so far into the writing i live for. even the people here have been welcoming more then certain old friends but that doesn't matter. i am a homeboy more then i appear. At least it never took me time to fuck off and go, i became more then good at it. my new obsession is to get my license and drive. but i have this new plan to go europe. why. since i know so far i cannot truly come back right away. what a plan. and i should do it now, since i refuse to move again in a stable house until it's with someone i like, a lot. i also fear another complete winter in this city , in this country basically. my body needs warmth. if what i have to do is get lost on an island i will. Al laugh in such a lovely about this way i have to follow my pulsion so fast. she works so much to pay rent, and i havn't been working in ages. but a certain man i adore is back and i dream more of working with him then staying in dear brooklyn. that's it for now, i started to dream like a maniac, it's one big joy i get from being sober. really.