lettres oubliees..

for today , for tomorrow. et quoi encore. i havn't finish properly a letter lately, waiting to move back home, waiting here to be with you . and i am leaving. everything goes down my skin like water on a duck's body. waiting is not even a word anymore, craving my get the fuck away faster then ever, takes time to make up my mind but when i do , it's a situation de non retour.
and to say good bye to the lovely people i have met, but all these people i see not. you saved me from raging my last days in here. you have almost took control of my eyes so they don't get into dream fog, gone far. i stayed with you until the bells ring us over. not inside my stomach you will stay there. i don't forget easily my love .
but i am obsess with no responsibility, no rent. money into my bike and some more peices back into me. i drink the days away, pourring scotch before diner comes a matter, i eat and i drink, and i still chain smoke to the point of watching the cat coughing, well what can i do he hangs out with me compulsively. i need to get out of here , of my mind. of this place spoil, i need to be lost in the city i know, i need my reality to circles inside my stomach a little bit more. even the tought that i'll have to run again to drop cv and find a job is crazy , i wanna talk to someone and work .. that's it. i want to be riding 12o km/h with my lover towards the sea. towards a mountain. down down down ... . . and up again..
i am almost scared of your silences, i know they still means something, but i am having trouble read cuz i see black and the lights when it comes is way too bright .. i want those green skies we saw, endless. and days that goes by with my run arround in montreal where i know where to stop to have coffee. i need to see my dog because i have been a distant mother.
i want you . no gain or lost , just time. .
but i don't care anymore, i feel relax for the storms to come, it's o.k. now summer is coming the rain falls are gonna be warm enough .. warmth .

more.

night .. home, i left for only one last ride for the day. i wanted scotch, and there was cheap pasta awaiting me back home. everythin i eat makes me sick, but i can take the alcohol.
strangely i like reading quotes of people i adore, people i will never know for real but i live like they are the ones i believe in their whole life... margeritte Duras is my favorite, and 8/10 of her quotes refer to alcohol, if she manage to lie for that long, then it gives me hopes. red wine would make me sick... there was also a quote on time, the better way to spend time, is to waste it .. that's even more hope for me lately, it keeps me almost away from crying, but tears let go is more healthy then the seriousness on my face.. a woman crying is a beautiful thing .
'' capri, c'est fini, et dire que c'etait la ville de mon premier amour, je ne crois pas que j'y retournerais un jour.'' i wanna watch this film again. i wanna better desk to write... emma's got the best set-up for words, except smoking in less. and i would rather sit on broken glass and be able to smoke then to not .. it's worst then starving, bien pire... que tout.
i am an obsessive persona by choice, i could chose to forget , hang out out there .. but i want you to chain me down wherever you want .. where it's cold.. where i can't even touch myself, i will come anyway. in pitch darkness, i don't need to see in order to dream awake.
i am kind of a sadistic thinking over my desires, i assume it looks like i like it that way , i'd rather feel everything then nothing at all... i'd rather lie in bed alone like it hurts, then to be listening to someone i don't fucking care about. and there is a lot i don't care for... just just now.. still, i am awaiting my package release from montreal..
waiting, for the impatient me is hard. the music is not helping me, the memories is worst, but the taste i remember in my mouth keeps me starving awaiting, i will not let go .. i eat not to fall. the only things i like for now, scotch and chocolate..
my bed feels empty, my body is getting colder. i am sick, inside, i look lost when i ride my bike, and the look in my eyes, is looking too far for no one to understand.
fuck i write like someone in need of a cold shower. but ah ah ah i am a writer , alone. alone.

living in a bottle.

and soon i'll start having a hard time breathing because i have past the line where th ebottle is half full, then empty i see through . and obviously i still see clear . i always do. and i am floathing in sober land , and the eyes are more then crystal clear. too much for nothing.. for things to disapear. and i feel comfortable in the prison i lay in . i push myself out on my bike everymorning but the days are endless. and late i cant sleep.. my body would be in pain i would barely feel. all i wanna feel is you . and it's not there. it's somewhere , i belong .
'' i wake up and im fine and my dreams still on my mind, but it doesn't take long for the demons to come and visit me ''
my demons are daily kind of gentle compare to how they use to be .
but it doesn't matter they still drive me crazy. i am not kidding . i stand up but i don't feel like it, it's a fucking jungle of human species outside my window. and i remember clearly when i was there with you , ther was no body, no streets, no cars . only skies turning green for the night , t'll the sun would reappear and bring in the fear of loosing it, this moment. i feel like we did not know how perfect it would be even in times i think too much, and so do you . but in the end it was.
i am going nowhere but i still wanna take you with me.
i live in somewhere no one knows but you saw through me..
i refuse to let go of the look into my eyes.. even when people try to make me smile.
there is dripping melancholy already inside my body, soon it'll come over my skin and burn.
with or without sunshine i careless.

i know i am a hell of an oldskool dreamer. but i like to believe i heard my calling, from the deep of your silences.
you were like this slow drug in the morning . ( pj) and i awake now trying to forget that i know how you do simple thinking. i am not a simple human being .
it's six and the night is only begining , i crave for it's ending . so i sleep, this time when i am dreaming and not remembering. i am sober, but dosed in far. far .. i hate the word.
i am waiting from a begining of a life here in toronto .. i have forgotten how to be a normal worker. that also , i fucking care not.. i am truly drastic when love is ... . exist, away from me ..
away from you . forgive me it has nothing to do with where i wanna be... you don't chain in a room like this , an animal thirsty for calor. . .
i wanna sleep and forget . but now my brain is set-up to remember yesterdays, and try to live through the day .. i am th eliar who said there was no need to reality. but i stay here with me. and the cat even is trying to escape. i saw him coughing last night do you have a clue how i can smoke.. but trust me i will not die of it...
le corps survie. et continuera de survivre. let say i am living la dolce vita right now in my system.. but i feel my heart beat screaming in pitch black...
i wann abe on the road.. the one going back home..

how long will i wait. we'll see

les journees a n'en plus finir...

looking forwards the day .. that's exactly what i do .. i run if i have too. i still hate th eweather like crazy . when i see you time doesn't matter. we do nothing and it's somehow fun... super-fun. simple. i talk and then you do it too. different. but i look tall, i look like the don't fuck with me type of girl. but you lead me where you go, when you go nowhere i follow. you don't know. i do.
back home i write, eat a little then find scotch.. my friend lady pirate of montreal said so, if whyskey hasn't kiled me by now, it never will. that's right .. i listen to amazing music.. i do little else. i don't bother jerking the day away. when i sleep by your side it's all there is. all i need.
i hope you will tell me.. what you want from me...
it's incredible how much i worry for what ill do, work. i need money. but then i act on it, and find enough to survive. survive. not really i have a roof, steal enough old clothes to dress up like january all year long. but truly i wanna sleep in sweat, half naked and smoke cigarettes to the twilight of this city ... it's a fact , i smoke too much, and i truly like it. i don't feel sick, i am sick of way more then that. cigarettes are fine, just just fine . soone i will be returning to Montreal the real beloved, for fun and unfinish fun ... then fucking return here . i am in a better living situation here , but i am far from convinced.
of course i should be diving through all of the past , in words and more, but i am not in the mood. i am always in th emood for writing more. more ccrap and elaborate my brain in typo.
i like algorythm if it will save my career .. what career, the pirate one, the one where you shall care less about the rules.

i should think about legit, say j. but now i think of making it through the grey, i love silver, but lately the greys are ugly as fuck .

sur ce je vous souhaite la plus belles des soirees.

the days are no longer bright .. fall for me .. .

sisi i could be talking to the night , i could beg her to fall on me , be my lover .
and i listen to the song that always reminds me what should be my true evil spirit when i choose to pray ... and i know how ... to play .. but i will beg no one .. i want people to tell me , not only a fucking casual boring platonic story ... i want more thne that .. sorry if you cannot tell, i also like to whisper, but i am awake , certainly not because of good greens , let say i havn't visited my lucky charming friends that usually feed the tramp so good... shame on me .. instead i spend a lot of time making moves alone, and alone i truly care some , only i have serial tendencies to breathe in and only deep into my head which only respond by my heart. so the cramps in my stomach or my knee in pain are something to think of later .. if later really le mal persiste ..
but i dont live all in my self today .. i am in harmony with only my desires, and they contradict health all over thy self..
i am sitting carefully makig almost no noize into my dear old lady . but she is younger then me, in silence but i type so hard , i am molesting the keyboard really , sorry they are playing p.j.harvey .. and scotch, dear scotch-whyskey st-trinity i adore you.. but sometimes, lately you havn't been enough to me ... more... i am a starving child, hungry eyes, and mon coeur s'en est remis des fissures de son passe , certaines d'entr'elle ..

but right now let me be supersticious about the day and the next day , following le passe ..
i can feel it , love like une fiole qui depose tout doucement un poison, a perfcet drug , truth is barely there , the only kind of drop to fall on my toungue and to draw me inside like color perfect red and silver i beg it for ... but i know you will forget , maybe only a while in the distances how it felt really whe you were just there, right next there .. in the desert in the city with me ... when the skies were greens emerald and i saw winter i hate it now changing into calm and snow flakes falling slowly .... the way rough kids move when they are in caging bed, captivity by choice. only i don't really know if it so easy but i know all arround me there is shit, and more shit to crawl , try to into my life... i could definitely pay my bills or at least get nervous for real about it.. about this and that .. even about the fact that i will in more then 24 hours be in need to ask myself how truly will i feed my belly .... but that's all good i do better in nervous diet .. last year or so i lost so much so fast eating still 99 cents's montreal's finest pizza. but there was so much in my mind and no more space for the rest ...

ce soir , i get 3 words in a row, alligner tout bonnement , and i know it's not easy to say , and it's not easy to get out what for a second you hope and the ones aftre you feel it will die, it will run , it will be wrong even if you deserve it right , for once .. not less intense i would never say such things, but crazy can be smooth if given and take me... the way you want it .. i want nothing but no one of the all no other. body .. .. i want your eyes to be there just in front of me .. one more time ... you can try to blow in fear or hope because love is a sharpened feeling , but i said it before i will be the blade that don't cut ... but release comes ..
i know it does.

c'est le vide qui me fait peur. but i cannot fear for ever..
not only the past told me , not only words but enough to drive me crazy ..
patience de mise .. but it's hard to train wild species into turtle moving .. i run free..
today it felt sad but free

z.... now ..

ok. so what about confusion... ici je me comprends, d'ans l'etat du chaos je me suis trouvee choyee... and a week ago i left this city, to my beloved montreal, and there it fell all over me .
but in the end i came back.. and there it is .. i am not the only monzzzzstarszz to be part
of la decadance de ces etres en attente de mon souffle, le printemps.....et oui on l'aurai bien cru ..
et puis quoi encore, je suis tout a vous mes dasme mes .. . . .
et .. gentleman , have you ever seen the colors are silver when i lay my toungue over ....
the canvas ...
toujours et encore cette couleur . i am back in to town.
i am back in to town . . i am to be black in town .
i will stay if project i lay upon my way , i will stay if stories are told to be truth..

i have serious unfinished business with my old love of A city ..
it doesn't matter. i shall crawl all over you .. t..o.r.o..n..t.o..o....oups! what
you have not a single clue yet so far of what i kan do...
reunir les especes en voies d'extinctions. and then you look arround ,
well i look arround for you , but i will get back into m.are... the sea inside me .,.
f.r.e.a.k.s..like the type of chlorophyle water you fall right in, and take a good spin. o swim .
i am not the one to show you the way .. i do know how to pray.
i want people to dress up in a map.... quest .... i could go for warrior, pirates, or hooooligans, it doesn't matter to me anymore, i just don't like to be riding for something alone , all alone ... i'd rather crawl my wholesome breakfast of the champions. and we'll see ..
but i am alive .. and so are you ... alive.. shall means aware to the Kore ........
i could have stayed in a city where it feels like i have slowly walked all over it's graves. but instead i am to redefine my prints, in fresh silver side .. o walk walk walk all over the.