twilight still in the oldest land i have ever lived..

her i made it quite easy .. in lands of family , as soon as i get here alone,, i am so hard to keep in place, i run to one of my uncle i wish i could smoke in his home, and i write , i'm trying to start editing my old words.. but i need a little less light for this process to begin. i will be gone until i can't stand it no more.. .. i receive words from an old friend ( ...) going to the sea out east .. i still think a lot about her .. its crazy how certain love just won't leave you alone, not every story to be born and die so easy.. i still feel it inside me ,i never said it wasn't crazy, but it feels more easy after rapture has fell in eternal sleep, i'd rather keep the spell then awake too early without the one i am waiting for.. better then any other flirt that felt like a side candy the kind to digest easy. all is to changes but never does it mean for it shall grow smaller..

o.k. i shall go i need to write somewhere, on words, on paper, under skin, it's the itch inside.. something strong that never gets release..
but you live .. and deal with it..
no one feels the same, but i know you feel it too, in someways not any weaker nor stronger .. the same deep fucking down like it's roots is growing live in bloody heart tissues.. here to stay and hunts you t'll no end...


i love you johnny .. my love for you i can't always explain, i love it when i get those rage inside and i \write like i use to, but not exactly cuz i've changed , and you have, and the feeling translate, but there is nothing to deny in it's way..
there is random flirt and living comfort, love me tender and be my lover in a sweet salted story, but then there is passion, the words is en voie de disparision, and it's player are also growing tired , but i will never stop the play as in terms of my heart will one day . shut down, until then .. shall we.. be .. how ever it feels i cannot refuse the feelings are spiderweb in silver strings deep in carved beneath my eyes, and in twilight if you keep on looking , you will see, through me.. they tought it was easy , no no i never said it should be .. easy .. there is no love born to be easy .. but there is nothing worth living i can see.. but this heart stroke inside me,... it breathes steady, fast and then slowly..

i shall see you soon..
yours .marijo st-amour.

stigmata

why o why, because there needs to be some kind of a title, and lately i have been going nuts with this itch incredible right there in the middle of my hands, pressure point, but i do feel quite calm and even people tend to notice , but i have reasons to be nervous, gavernment wise i only have developed a way to forget about it a little too easily.. so i am back where i belong for now, well i will one day agree to my own future history an dgo back endlessly to the sea, but as for now i am not quite fed with my beloved city , dear Montreal, you are sugar easy in my mouth after the bitter taste toronto has been surrounding what i had no other unfortunate choice but to see.
but i don't stay well often in the place i cannot feel it becoming a playground for older child in need of charming city. so i came back just on time, for soon to start the weekend of my own quebecoise fierte. sweet better we even have visitor soon on their way from the anglo land to our french territory. but hell as much as i am enjoying my return it has been electrified in terms of our kind of personal sweets, the kind of taste you gotta be ready to get back on to your feet if you want to survive the days to come your way. money they say was there to be burnt, but luckyly i have not been alone watching the fire pit going in deep side our minds.
i feel home and i like the respect, grandiose of our sometimes broken identity, judged are the junky of intensity, the ones who choose to walk through the day with this pressure in blood strains, you might believe for a second this is reality, but no, indeed that is what we wanted , to create our own imagery, scenes and the time line in front of me, i am telling you , it's o.k. if you want to step in it's way, only you have to be ready to give it hell of a play. to make them believe you are standing straigh more then they say. just breathe for a second, let yourself go easy at first, it takes times to be able to rollercoaster up and down the day without dropping peices of your to be always reborn identity.

so.. i have more to say, but my friends i have not seen in a long time are still awake and we got to catch up the sun together while you are there in dreams, we speak in a verite only la langue des fous comme nous sommes restee eveillees, pour voir encore une fois le jour se lever..

les nuits seule au chateau en annex.

now the concentration is becoming slow. and there was visit. i a the visit that hides inside by choice. i want water, to feel better in the clothes i have been running all day. and it's not getting any cooler at night, i dream of a shower with no shiver after, of a bed made of pillows, and soft blankets, all the missing i have not been doing any much about, i sleep when i'm tired, an di leave when it feels heavy to be in a space with no radio, it's the worst, i could sleep on wooden floor with music and cigarettes way before all the unnescesary. soon it will be over, and i will need hell of an excuse to come back.
i am still waiting for you stranger, and god knows how much i hate it. waiting for what i would run faster to find myself. it keeps me awake but if you wait for nothing then nothing is any better. not now. i spoke to my dear emma, i read easily the few lines you send me, we will talk tomorrow. we might see each other sunday , then i a gone, i would have stayed to see you play. but it's hard for me to look at you and even from close i feel the distance and accoustic in a room dark where i would see no one but you and cloud of smoke, i then would stay . but i have my ticket outside of this city so freaking early on monday , i have been quiet about leaving, but i have not done a thing. worries do come on time .

i am melting inside , and feeling just a little alergic to the outside streets, toronto to be the first city where i don't feel calm in crazy night's crowded streets. i run faster but aware of all the drunken fuckers. c'est la vie .
mais ce n'est pas ma vie, i tought of myself away from cities and felt it impossible the silences and little arround you, but never again i have felt the need to be away. i would die alone in the country. it's hard to think of ho wlong could i stay with the angels and demons in my head. by the sea with enough scotch and a nice little desk just by the window. there is nothing enough crazy not to live through. i want changes, and i need to change along with them .

i feel quiet now. just now.

jamais n'est-ce le dernier mot.

pas ce soir. il se fait deja tard mais j'en ai rien a foutre. je suis toujours seule, and even tough les dames de la maison are the rares i wanna see when i'm already deep into my bubble, a little shaky in a good way , i need tea. i made tea. it's that easy sometimes, when i am on the road most of the time my back is breaking from the weight i carry but i have everything i need to be. i always envy the ones i see with bags so small life is more easy but i remember this man that told me when he needed to train himself and feel healthy all there was to do is take a bag and walk nowhere and further with it. simple but there is all the tool they have created, the day i know i can protect myself completely with the strenght of my mind, of my hands, and survive endlessly , i will also be ready to die. not envious , only ready for when i have to go where no one know. i sound calm about it , as a cat i have already lost a good half of it, and pushed my body and soul in extreme ways , not very conventional shall i say but even when i realize and think back about the roads i took, and how maybe faster would i have done all i had to do if i had kept myself in what they call 'le droit chemin' but if i think of my right side, and all the stories that created me, inked sur la droite, it reflects love, and love you better be ready to ride if you want to go through . these loves are now peacefull( almost ) in my life, still there to stay . but . truth is i can change the subject insanely that i remember shit and i rarely go back into my words.
it never was suppose to be that easy to read someone's mind anyway , there is clear days, and fuzzy night to breathe in . i see clear but i desire way more then the keyboard my hands are dancing strangely over..
you came back , i don't need name because i have ways to dreams about who knows, still hunting me. and lover i create while they were friends alive and there for me to see and be, a better reason for sinematic story for insomniac in need to stay calm, but i run away late at night in search of my reality, i am truly not the kind to stay in comforting bed alone jerkin' off. i like it better when i can feel the wanting right from under my belt.when i ride inside. out. and more on the surface of my skin. i am missing like insane your body i never would have tought could take me the way i always wanted to . your eyes sweet but your arms twitching to hold me still, the way you want me. ce qui me manque encore plus ce sont ces nuits ou j'ai sentie ton corps en relache, all of you letting go, vulnerable but have you a clue i was going to hold you , and never play you unfair. i did in the way i have grown with unusual talking habit, an dno one arround me to talk about all that was in my head, and this head of mine always so fast moving, i imagine everyone will do the same. but there i was wrong. i wish i woul dhave been there longer to learn more of who you are, not the way you look, what stroke inside your stomach, and i hope the one that will ever go there will do it softly, because i know i have been push so hard to show the inside of my guts, and it creates sweet angel like me who are double edge blade with no mercy .


again . a suivre . soon. tant qu ela bulle n'eclate , there will be time .

the song i adore you gave me what feels like ages ago. but you'll alway sbe my favorite memory. the melody left me sensation prints are deep in me, the bullet red that never came out from the back. still intact , an installation inside my heart.
art to live forever.

pj. harvey

Long goes the night
Longer the day
Teclo your death
Will send me to my grave

I learned to beg
I learned to pray
Send me his love
Send him to me again
Let me ride
Let me ride
Let me ride on his grace for awhile
Let me ride
Let me ride
Just let me ride on his grace for awhile

Long goes the night
Longer the days
Teclo your death
Will send me to my grave
Let me ride
Let me ride
Just let me ride on his grace for awhile
Let me ride
Let me ride
Just let me ride on your grace for awhile
Just let me ride



on the road i will never fear to ride this way .

time is , bad replay of the ''slowdrug''

. later . days are so long outside, i finally rode my ass to another crazy woman, very welcoming, the way my family o piraterie in montreal would be. fuck sake it aint that scary. but i fell a little bit , to spare time before i spend dime, and the air so conditionee , lovely without the heat but i awoke with this pressure in my throat the same one you get when there is a cold watching you. when you are running in a city so big with a lot of nothing, you feel bless almost to have a space to write , listen to your music, and aleluya smoke inside,dans la penombre a l'interieur, i still see. i feel exactly like the lights arround me, in a house completely locked, the windows are shut, and the cat is even hidding for now, mazzy star makes me triste in a lovely way. i went for diner today with a girl amazing , guitar player an dan adventure i had long ago in montreal, one of th elongest night in my life , without a crazy party bien sur. we met in a bar on parc av. then i remember she gave me a note, i answered and out in the street , closing time it felt insane for me to part away from her without knowing. what we could become in a night. nothing expecteded but i always think , and behave as the lover, and i became a charming friend pretty fast, that;s the instinct of the lover making sure not to loose so much people in refusal to see , they will maybe stay there for longer then you tought. so. that night we walked like crazy , to her house in the plateau to her house, hiding from her roomates just a little, i heard her play guitar. an dcrazy i truly wanted to fall asleep next to her but at this time my gallery had been baricated so we went anyway , and i literaly broke inside the rear window. crazy. then in the morning we left . i don't remember where, we saw each other a littl eafter that. then probably more thne a year without really words with her. today was a sweet afternoon, i realized that laughing is crucial. and certain people i havn't laugh much with these days. i need crying but i need laughter.
love and laughter.
romy you wrot eme so little today . in italian and o whta a pleasure for me to find the words perfect answer, a least i will alwaays be trying with you . italian.
but your words are precious to me, and to miss someone is something , to know they'll be back in your life , and then the warrior makes it all better. and you are. we are from a race i don't see, you are not quite like me an di am not quite like you . but i will never meet someone..like you . .

amores don't die.

i have more to write , more to say .. about the day . about what i saw yesterday . and what i see in tomorrows. but now i am waiting .
in sinfull patience . as always i still believe i am an angel

sesame street come deliver me ..

why o why , because i am in hell. today is actually an exception, after wandering in a cafe i know already too much. i left on my bike, awoke at 7 in the morning to go to work, never went.... once my head wants his freedom even my body gets afraid of the work, all i'll ever remember . how to ride. but this city drives me crazy too many road empty full of monkey to go through .. and trust me i am not in a social mode, i ride past the same streets and nowhere to stop, for food maybe. and for alcohol, but lately i have been some kind of an angel, maybe the devil only resting until i fall back into my playground. my love. montreal is a city. i am obsess with this city. but the girls are still hunting .. the only nightmare i can watch and sleep with, a fairytale that never last or one your mother told you ages ago in her last bed that you would sleep forced by with no dreams to remember. they comes inside and it feels like a storm with no rain. i am becoming suspicious of my own feeling.. last note i wrote to . you . i send you my love and if you don't fucking want it just trow it off the window and let it breath . don't let me suffocate . i belong free and i tought you know it .. i tought it was clearly printed in the look in my eyes. but i loved those night my body trapped sweetly under yours. and o a pleasure to give myself to you . you had no clue and it's o.k. your innocence wins, i let go of too much , before you even asked for, i was learning to slow down, and your absence came to meet me before one last kiss. before once last night melting by your side. i knew from the begining that i was leaving, i've had crazy ride roller coaster into obsessive feelings, the feel it will drown you flying from the inside , a high better then any drugs you can take. but we are slow lover, and proper friends, btu it's toronto for fuck sake. even friends are nothing like the hearts i know in montreal... this morning a friend of mine wearing the best hat ever.. loosen up toronto . si si i agree.
i need you to know i hold not even rage , not even deception or angry toughts towards you , the gentle me understood a lot more then you would see, because we all believe our silences are that crystal clear, but i told you i cry in crystal i know how to read, and i am more aware then all i can talk in a day . it's only the obsessive me that wanted you a little more, just a little more. what can i say i ache for affection, and i act pretty crazy on the feelings that are slowly pushed away, not forgotten just away . away .

it's o.k. i came here to this city to go away . again. and i am actually running, not away from me , but from the streets of this city before they make me so sarcastic even on a sunny day , i am my own company and i need to lay off the schedule, i am too old to work like that for you and you and you , i builded fence an deven my boss who think she is creating, straigth from a catalogue . i work for art . and my friends..

words, i need them. there formality, the way they explain what's missing in me .
my words of the week.
pas·sion
–noun 1. any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate.
2. strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor.
3. strong sexual desire; lust.
4. an instance or experience of strong love or sexual desire.
5. a person toward whom one feels strong love or sexual desire.
6. a strong or extravagant fondness, enthusiasm, or desire for anything: a passion for music.
7. the object of such a fondness or desire: Accuracy became a passion with him.
8. an outburst of strong emotion or feeling: He suddenly broke into a passion of bitter words.

yeah from what i feel or all those time with the people i see, i get lonely and remember how this feelings draw me alive, but feelings are nothing you can buy in the liquor store.

fragment, the subject might chahge , i ran in order to buy my special limonade, scotch. all of last week it tasted bad into my throat , too strong, or too much , or i was sad enough with a smile on my face , becoming like all the kids out here, i'd rather cry an drink it all, but i don't need to cry, there is a difference with a broken heart then bored eyes watching the day light . turns into much of a disaster when you wanna hide because you have been riding all the way on queens's street on a friday night, i get claustrophobic, but i never was..

there is no need to waste the keyboard telling you about the last weeks . i am o.k. now. just now. in the house we complain about the smell of smoke but imagine if we ciouldn't lit up smoke after smoke. we would all hate the smell of sweet sweet pie. no sugar it ain't really what we need.

you see . someone told me they would read that blog, so there is no need of me to censure these words, actually i had no intention to talk about you , not because i want not, more because life's force of animal told me in quiet whispers that i should keep more inside me, and lest for the other, but you know i am a pretty bright one but still it takes more then a week to recover from drug use and abuse, so who knows i might loose the feeling somewhere inside the brain where it floats in harmony . still there is always good chances it might end up in a cave somewhere no light .. still don't get me wrong what i feel is always heavy in a good way . nothing easily overwhelms me . especially the heart , don't always falls in love . this time i feel calm about it with you , i wouldn't unless you would drag me there with you , but there aint no way i am falling alone.. it's like diving , and i am the ocan this time, but they'll tell you ...never you should dive alone, the deeper the more danger you'll be feeling all inside you. i love the scene i am left here, i'm glad i stayed, you havn't got bored of me yet , so lady should i really think of me as lucky. there is three o lady there just behind me , i am listening to heavy perfect music, and i love the echoes in the back of my head, women's voices intertwined together. i just had a falligng tought inside me, of you , and only you walking towards the kitchen or you room, and i follow , because i don't feel bad hypnotize, it's not your body that drags me away from the notes i hit crazy , i wish it could go faster . it's the way we moved on that night we were drugged children wanting human calor the way kids wants to play where they have been told not too.
i wonder how crazier sober it could be , the softnest in slow motion can be insne, not your head anymore spinning but your senses, ...

later. my body is warm, land away from cold, a little tired, a lot actually , i need to dive, or a hard rain falling on me , i would drag you out there just you stand there with me in the rain until we get soaked. soaked.
i am lost into my own tought, i could or should rather not feel but i am sorry i learn too strong never to be cold to my impulsiveness. i feel, and at last i will always be able to lay it on words. and i will stay sit still on that chair, heat risibng , when i wanna do like the boys do al teh time, i wear no shirt , i remember how perfect it feels someone's hands on my stomach , i feel like the person i created so real under the surface of what you really can see. androgyne more even then the way i look . there is so much eyes in one room looking all over, we could almost play frenesie and that would be o.k. but i will not look at you , not just now. i want a straight fall into darkness, only because my eyes are shut down by your lips. but i knopw exactly how to dream awake i told you so .
my muscle are getting numb from the alcohol.. i wanna lay head under water for the whole week until i feel rebirth of the rider that i'll always be like an animal left back into the right jungle . i am an animal. there is no lie. i am hunting in a desert land of a city look into me you will see i have it inked into my skin the only where there is no lies..

don't lie, and i will not .. and the world outide that stand like a fake picture moving unsteady in a rhytmn to make no sense i'm sorry i have better expectations, we will see and stay still like perfect moment pregnant.

i will stop the words there is always more. but i stop my hands so many times through one letter i am lost in my own rythmn and i want nothing like this, still i have wishes to hear you , see you . crazy . like no one else tells me , there is words you can describe in a formal book, but crazy is a way to be , amd no one act the same. you are nothing like the same. nothing like it ...

more. w.o.r.d.s... i had feeling someone would read, next time i'll be writing on my own , and i will deliver letter to the cat he will be a fine messanger..

this is moi. this is my family . this is you, a jamais

sleep

there is so much i want to capture, image. photo .. maybe movements if i get the chance. sleep . i should do it right now, tomorrow is the kind of working day you fear in advance .. i'll pray for it while i'm on my way . for now i just slowly awaits for the words i don't create myself. mon visage se fait vide ce soir, mes espoirs ne sont que des silences plus lourd , il faudrait que j'arrette d'y penser. mais on ne peut jamais tout faire a la fois... c'est impossible, . . i have wishes de comptes a rendre a personne. d'une danse seule a l'interieur with music so clear to shut the rest away, what ever they tried to say, i acted d'une ecoute sans failles. but i forget it already .
there is many highway i biked through in the last days . now i would only do bets if you would hold me there while i stay .. but mes pensees se font tard et je n'ai plus rien a expliquer. ni a comprendre... rien . only music, serenade . stabat mater .. .