fast car

i dream of a fast car an dthe friends arround me are there but reminding me i need to go, and i am scared to end up alone in the middle of the highway and i don't want to entertain some guy random holding a wheel looking sideway at me. i want someone else then all the people in this city to look at me. you mentioned rooftops and then you do not know how easy i dream of escape, and i know many ways to run away so fast from the reality i get surrounded with. a fast cat who needs a fast car. but it might not happen and then i'll be lost in my hometown with nothing else then the music i like to comfort me and the book are filled already maybe a sign to tell me i have to look carefully into my past in all the details i draw a long ago, and choose the high and low worth telling to strangers like a midnight story , they say i have a way to show you hope even drowning in the dark holes i fell often. but i get out and i do love sunshine, and lately i have been writing, walking, talking even slowly, and the hopes have been hiding inside me , drugged by hours everything feels like a slow motion replay of what i've seen already, the scene i'd rather fall asleep watching my own movie. and that's killing me, so i am gonna change the peoples, the landscapes, the city once again, and tricking my own self this time again by leaving so far with no ticket to come back. no house awaiting me or no one specially. i sound like a lost dog wandering in alley all night long looking cute in case someone would invite me to become their cuddling buddy. and i smile thinking of a lot of kids dreaming fiercely of a job, a school to ride into, and o sing me lullaby i don't need to gain my life i already have it. but what i want is someone to play with, remember the kids left alone for so long they grow up trapped inside their heart and dreaming for breaking.
words are over ... cuz it really does not matter for tonight .

all i care for is you and you and words.

seriously .. there is days when you get confused or indeed waste time thinking of what you can do next, career. jobs,studies. well most of those i wanna do are just not here for now. and then at the end of the day when i end up somewhere so tired, and manage to sit in front of my book or another new computer, all i wanna do s write ,and i can't call it only fun, it's a necessity, some exercise without it you go crazy , the body needs rest but my head can only go to sleep once it has been dumping several words out of it . i partied hard in hochelaga last night , more like the last 50 hours or so, less food or what you can swallow in, but after a while your muscles and organs are going low, and i left today after 5 hours of sleep dieu merci. to go west again, st-henri and the rest was short but delightful, spending time one on one by the river with a new friend, another one to tell me they like it actually when i bring back so sharply the feeling of love, hope . and we talked about surrender, the perfect word and most insane challenge you can only struggle through. for a moment i had forgot the pain inside me, the teeth that use to be filled with stained blood in the morning were gone back to an honest smile i could deliver once again. by the river with a beer and cigarettes we talked for a while. it's funny when you end up having the same kind of conversations with many people, deep into the world around you and the spiritual quest some follow and some don't even know, and all it's o.k. to follow what works for you. she told me her life was going to be full inside if she kept on learning always , which tells me back with no doubt actually she will be a perfect strong woman able to point out the bad , and help the ugly to show the world that what you should really find out about people is the feelings floating inside their soul. the magic will come and you will find others just like you there is beauty all over us but whatever is kept empty, kept unfed will rot eventually. i like the image in my mind just now, the difference between a man looking so fancy dress in versace who alone still manage to treat the world around him just like shit , because he hasn't even thought about it .. those species are the usual one i tend to see shortly in downtown somedays hey make me go away . i go away and ride until i find a place hiding behind a factory near by the train track, with grass trying to break in between the rocks and noise further, nobody else but me facing the dead paysage in front of my eyes, steel structure rusted and broken bones of what could have been century ago a castle for hobos, and i'm glad for a bit i get to see it, and i know everywhere i go there will be broken pictures, but i least they welcome me in serenity hard to describe and i know for sure these land looking almost dead have been through so much history it's a lifetime glory. and to be honest i think i'd rather run my life fast then slowly then fast again, through all that rain out and inside me, you never know when the structure will start to break in so slowly and i still am far from so good taking care of the only thing that will ever carry me through insanity . i feel lucky after wise that the bricks are falling right on me, i get bruises but fucking don't ask me why but at the end of the day i still find a way to look at it and never i can hold on to regrets, it's worthless. i will fight to the price of loosing my life maybe one day , and what i have and intend to keep alive is my freedom, and tonight even you were lovely by the water to remind me that the one and only place worth really to be free is in my soul, in my dreams, the ones to draw for me to see reality. and remember if one day i get shot down an alley, or thrown in jail for my what so thievery even if anyone tells you hey oh they got margo capture or hey oh they kill the poor girl down the highway . you are a fool to dare believing any story told about me from an outside source, i am the one who decide when it's over , i choose to live where i wanna live, and my mind no one is ever gonna take over and control it's way. if i die then it's a fucking lie because i never choose so.
for some it is harder, because we want to go further, and i realize talking to you we were right that one crazy new age type of urban monk ride to follow is to surrender of anything that could possibly take over the lightness you adore when you ride in the streets late at night in the city when it sleeps not so carefully, it's sometimes more of a battlefield in the daytime, so i hide now and then but when the moon sets herself then i feel like i can find myself and the breathing of my heart is gone back to a peacefull drop into water . and i will soon escape my city again, like a runaway who hasn't done so much wrong in the outside world, but i get distracted way too easily by the addictions i know by heart in the city so i will be away for who knows how long, but this time i will not be back for a lack of money since even there i am stubborn and will not work for any job unless it's somehow showing me intensity. boring has become a word from evil. a place you don't wanna be.
for real to be honest i don't care now about where i wanna be. but i wanna be with someone late at night , someone to keep me in their bad, so warm and for more then one night, someone who will stand there in pissing rain kissing me, standing there until we grow together the love i use to let go easily like an open scars poring slowly. i need to stay patience and wait because i find it boring when i see love without passion. and i will distract myself until i find you there . in a land without any name, where we define the space we wanna invade ..

i am the killer inside me ..

a ce jour je vous dis, il le faut bien.. faire ce qu'on doit de faire quant tout l'interieur se seche et mes levres aussi. pour un seul instant c'est possible mais c'est de la folie quand le temps n'est plus. and when the days are getting long enough to hold in you more then a clockwise round trip. you need react. la reaction se fait car mon instinct ne meurt jamais, ne dors que tres peu. reagit dieu fucking merci juste au beau moment .. but always standing at the edge of myself, in balance walking on such thin lines between this moment i fear most when you see my eyes are looking scared in the daylight. i feel low. but i still write clearly for me, even my voice today would tell you everything is not the same. i came back so fast in the city i say o adore, but this time the fortune teller had seen me right, telling me i for once after walking almost free in broken glass wonder why my feets are fucked already. but this time she told me i would do what ever it takes in order to let go of a part of me i have kept so close even tough i knew how risky it will always be. and i don't want it anymore. i can't take it, days i wanna hide are days worst then jail because i am the only one judge of what i do to me. it sounds so brave when i tell you i fear not even to be trapped in a cage, so i could write and no one alive will take my life away... but i may be the lover, i knew since long ago we are made of archetypes and i am also inside somewhere the killer. i look severe in my eyes profound but don't ever be scared i would never hurt you, the only one i ever run to hurt her so is called my most precious shadow. the lover is not as solid as i could.
be.
still. hesitant. older. hurt. by dreams gone lost. i am . not dead. only.
i need to be faster at running away from myself, or else even better i should turn around to look inside my eyes they reflect all of me and if i could close down, face down and kill you murderer. strangle you t'll i can breathe again and leave you behind with the snakes that you always invite even tough you know how scared i am of them crawling in my skin.

romy made me remember the day i saw the letters so solid black on white .

love leaves it's abuser...

and if i stay then i am never gonna make it running everyday, there is no exit when the roads are circles infinite, the way cats gone crazy are running for their tails.
i do have an end, just before is the limit, and even tough i am a children belonging to the sea, it's not gonna help me to dry the life i have left there just for me.
it's intense when i write down alone in a cave, in a bed i don't even know but got told i could go, simple words i care less i am not here to give you poetry, i am trying to protect so carefully the broken feeling inside of me. le coeur.when it's over then it's over. and you do not always choose the memories crossing lines for you to see, the body when it dries is exactly like my mother's.
even blind i would have remember, life comes and go even when you are not done the play. only i should know i am still more lucky then those who would like to see me.
even dead she still care enough to come in words to remind me, she never would have raised me to become my inner murderer.

no matter how much i know i have to make it on my own. i am feeling fragile and confessing becomes easier this way. i still dream of one day someone will love and remind me passion was worth being patient and maybe she'll even help me with her hands gently to release the nervosity that runs always inside my belly.

you cannot go back, but a part of me can die so the child could see just once again. i am gone mad enough to try harder then what my life have showed me already.