the loveliest pain in my heart i let you be.

i am not always that serious , but i am trying to set up my life so i can lock myself in and rewrite, write more.. my brain is heavy .. internet home is there but no computer . and soon it will be cold as hell in our castle house of tree in the mile end.. gain money, spend money. bought a cd, first time in ages. pj's new style, piano and darkness at it's finest. i miss a certain street in minneapolis, and a certain dream house in east vancouver, a friend here and there. i crave the return of my love only in dreams i envy the story because truly it is not any real around me. when i am. awake. i was talking to a friend tonight about sadness and the days endless you feel absent of all you did before, the possibility you know from the past. and this sadness affect me less and less, i feel it but i'd rather have my heart feel then my mind sometimes. break it or knock the sweet nails through it's broken shape i don't care i remember like if it was there forever how much my love i need to feel it under my tongue, bitter sweet senses but lately my mouth is dry, way too dry. i do work a little but i am so calm about the pictures i see, the people who needs to deal with me , i make little effort, give them what they expected but i only paint my nails religiously, valentine red is the only color for me. i dress up for no one lately. i wrote about jail and i say i do not mind to sentenced to a silver cell and i could die only if they forget to throw me paper, ink and feather so i build a nest in my eyes after staring the walls empty they turned in mirror to reflect my obsessions and desires. the rest can fuck off. i have not much to say tonight, and i would sound pretty insane if i would mention the girl i will adore and therefore i intend to die for.. not for as in for her, because she cares nor, but in the name of this feeling who as grown into my spine and my blood runs down to the color turned into water , black.. you heard i said the ocean black. no more words, for no one but me. the dream of knowing you again once more is not acting easy on me, it's hunting and last week walking the streets of my little city i saw you walking, and my inside is still shaking. and i tried but doubt the feelings will ever stop , they hurt and this is a malady of love i refuse to heal. fuck it literally i started last summer to write about death. and my life needs to reflect what i love, and i also love tragedy, to read and look at it in sinematic eyes is never gonna be enough. have you ever wrote your own death, it makes it easy and so far seduce me. not the way you use too.

i came back to the computer to change from jail words my title to an almost inapropriate one. but the one i set in is perfect to reflect the color inside me ..
i do not sleep enough. it's never truly healthy to dream in the past or the future you'll never see it real. but no one is never always healthy. my mom was sick, and i am alive and sick. the body is a good masquerade sometimes to hide your heart .
i acted my days lately half way.. i mightdo better , only it's hard to know with winter coming. soon. .